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Obama’s Iran Statement Translated for Non-Politicians

John on December 29, 2009 at 11:01 am

Remember those old Mad Magazine pages where they would deconstruct what an advertisement was really saying…?

Here’s what we know so far: On Christmas Day, Northwest Airlines Flight 253 was en route from Amsterdam, Netherlands, to Detroit. As the plane made its final approach to Detroit Metropolitan Airport, a passenger allegedly tried to ignite an explosive device on his body, setting off a fire.

Translation: By some miracle the detonator failed. Damn, we got lucky!

Thanks to the quick and heroic actions of passengers and crew, the suspect was immediately subdued, the fire was put out, and the plane landed safely. The suspect is now in custody and has been charged with attempting to destroy an aircraft.

Translation: Government failed miserably just as it did on 9/11, but once again personal heroism saved the day.

A full investigation has been launched into this attempted act of terrorism, and we will not rest until we find all who were involved and hold them accountable.

Translation: I’m going to do some more golfing now. It’s a good thing this guy confessed everything because I can’t clip his nails without permission from the ACLU.

Now, this was a serious reminder of the dangers that we face and the nature of those who threaten our homeland. Had the suspect succeeded in bringing down that plane, it could have killed nearly 300 passengers and crew, innocent civilians preparing to celebrate the holidays with their families and friends.

Translation: No matter what you may hear from the other party, I did not take my eye off national security because of my desire to cram an unpopular health reform bill down your throats. Like Ft. Hood a couple months ago, this was a fluke.

The American people should be assured that we are doing everything in our power to keep you and your family safe and secure during this busy holiday season.

Translation: Americans can relax in the knowledge that no one was profiled in the making of this near calamity. I call this a B+.

Since I was first notified of this incident, I’ve ordered the following actions to be taken to protect the American people and to secure air travel.

Translation: I’m on top of this like Tiger was on top of…ahem.

Finally, the American people should remain vigilant, but also be confident. Those plotting against us seek not only to undermine our security, but also the open society and the values that we cherish as Americans.

Translation: The best thing we can all do right now is try to relax, maybe go golfing as if nothing happened. Watch as I demonstrate.

This incident, like several that have preceded it, demonstrates that an alert and courageous citizenry are far more resilient than an isolated extremist.

Translation: And far more effective than an inexperienced Commander in Chief. Basically, your safety is up to you, America. Good luck.

I cut out a few things, but that’s the gist.

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Category: Foreign Affairs |

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